Well it’s been a while since we left Stockholm and we have now been tramping around all of Central Europe to our heart’s content. A lot has happened and once again, I have a lot of my ideas and thoughts that I want to talk about so please excuse yet another lengthy blog post. But, I guess if you weren’t interested or found my posts boring you would be reading them in the first place.
Copenhagen
We left Stockholm and took a train through the Swedish countryside towards Copenhagen. We have yet to see any mountains on our trip, which is definitely a bit of an itch for three boys from Utah. However, it was still stunning to see. It was a four or five hour train ride. Near us was an Asian family with two young children, a boy and a girl, who would not keep quiet. They kept laughing, talking loudly, and running up the aisles. I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and was admittedly becoming frustrated with the kids and with the parents, who were allowing an otherwise quiet train ride be disrupted by their children.
For some reason, our train had to stop at Malmo, Sweden, and couldn’t go any further. We were instructed to get off at Malmo and follow directions to find a connecting train to cross over the water into Copenhagen. As we prepared to do so, I could tell that the family wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Surely they spoke no Swedish, and their English seemed very limited. In the best way I could express myself to them, I told them what was going on, and offered to let them follow us around the train station in Malmo until we were on the correct train to get us all to Copenhagen. They were so grateful and visibly thankful that my heart immediately softened and I immediately regretted the frustrations I felt towards them during the ride.
We helped the mother with her bag since it was so heavy, and found the proper platform where we could board our train to Copenhagen. We helped them on board and located their seats before finding our own. Once again, the family expressed its gratitude over and over, and even requested pictures with us. For how much I talk about loving everyone and demonstrating positivity towards everyone we meet, I definitely still have a lot to learn.
When we arrived in Copenhagen, it was relatively easy to find our hostel. It was a quiet little place not far from the central station. There were a few other travelers there as well, but we had a room to ourselves. We took a little nap and then got ready to go into town to check it out. One of the travelers there, from Australia, told us to check out Christiania. It’s a small neighborhood on an island in Copenhagen that has somehow managed to obtain and maintain its autonomous status from Copenhagen, or all of Denmark for that matter. We decided to go see what it was like.
On our way, we ran into a local who was about our age and was literally running towards the neighborhood. He said he was just out for a bit of exercise, and that we could walk with him to the village if we wanted, as that’s where he was going. He, like all of the other locals we’ve met in Scandinavia, were amazing. They just let us tag along with them and answer all of our questions, and seem to enjoy doing so. He took us to Christiania, which was a pretty interesting experience.
There is no police there, or government for that matter. Wikipedia labels it as an anarchist state, and it even has its own flag. There are about 800 people who live there permanently as I understand it, free from taxes, etc. Of course, its autonomous nature allows for certain things to be sold and carried there that would be allowed outside its boundaries, but I never once felt unsafe or uneasy. There are several village “rules” to which all visitors comply, such as no running, no photography or cell phone use, no hard drugs, and no violence. It was just a huge hippy-fest. There was beautiful art everywhere. That’s the culture I’ve been looking for. I didn’t get to see the tiny “Little Mermaid” statue that the city is so famous for but I was able to experience the culture – what it’s like to be a local there. Our friend told us that he has been going to Christiania for a bit of conversation, drink, food, music – and even chess – with his friends since he was a young teenager.
We left Christiania rather late and had trouble getting back to our hostel since it was so dark – but, once again – not once in the streets of Copenhagen did I feel unsafe. The next morning we walked up the main road of the city. Copenhagen is definitely the edgier of the Scandinavian capitals. There are a lot of young people, students, from all over the world. The street was crowded, but it didn’t seem hectic. People were just meandering in and out of the shops and cafes as they pleased. Extremely talented street performers lined the streets, and people actually stopped to watch because they didn’t have anywhere to be. And they paid very well! That night, we ran into a group of friends from the Cayman Islands who invited us to a jazz concert with them. It was in the middle of Copenhagen’s Red Light District. It was pretty eye-opening to see booths on the street with men packaging cocaine to be sold, just right in the open. Police patrolled the area to control the situation, but seem to tolerate the drug industry. I’ve never been interested in cocaine (nor will I ever be), but it seemed to be a good way of dealing with the issue. People are going to get their hands on nasty drugs whether they are legal or not. Legalizing it does take some of the violence associated with drugs away. Then, police can just monitor the situation in case any violence or other illegal activity arises. But, I know there would be certain repercussions to legalization as well. I’m still not sure how I feel about it.
In the short time I spent in Copenhagen, and having talked to some of the people in Christiania, I sense a certain sense of strong individualism that is perpetuated among its inhabitants, and the general belief that the power will always be with the people. I was just amazed that even in a law-less society like Christiania, there was an overarching sense of respect between human beings that was astonishing. Respect and love were the laws. I’m not saying that’s an ideal form of government in a large-scale society, but it was definitely thought-provoking. I could see myself living for a year or two in Copenhagen. I will absolutely be back.
Berlin
The trip from Copenhagen to Berlin was the most pathetic excuse for a night’s sleep I have ever had. We have been using Interrail, which has come in extremely handy for touring Europe at high speed by train. For a neat $600 I’m able to take essentially any major train in Europe for the next month. We’ve been using it at night to avoid the cost of staying in a hostel and to save our days for exploring, but it does have its downsides. We had to make four changes in the night ride to Berlin, and the trains were absolutely filthy. It wasn’t the best experience of the trip, but you can’t really complain when you get to ride wherever you want for free.
Once in Berlin, we found our hostel and immediately crashed for a nap. The hostel was extremely nice, with plenty of other travelers from around the world. It was extremely clean and comfortable, so it was a welcome sight after the long night we had. When we woke up we went into the city for some dinner, where we ate some gyros at a grill. There are many people from Turkey in this part of the world, and they bring their cuisine with them. It was delicious.
Back at the hostel, we quickly made friends with Brad and Lydia, a brother and sister from the U.K. The next morning we all went into town together to see what Berlin had to offer. I was mainly interested in its history, a major part of which is obviously the dark past that the 20th century had to offer the city. First, we went to Checkpoint Charlie, which was the most popular of three checkpoints between East and West Berlin during the time of the Cold War. There, we learned about the many escape attempts made by the people of East Germany to try and cross into West Berlin and seek freedom. It was astonishing (and somewhat immature) to me that families and lovers could be torn apart just to satisfy the political tension between certain governments.
Near the checkpoint was a remnant of the Berlin Wall, which was built to separate the East and the West. There were several impressive statements written on the wall, long ago during the time of the separation, that still remain today. One of them read, “Tear this wall down and all the other walls go down with it.” Another was a message written for a lover, “DEAR ASTRID: MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WILL BE TOGETHER.”
Nearby was the Topography of Terror. This was a museum which was nothing more and nothing less than just a huge timeline of events, with tons of information, quotes, and pictures. I’m a history nerd, so I loved it, but maybe it would be boring for some people. To me, it seemed like an attempt by the German nation to lay everything out as it happened, and to accept responsibility for its actions. The reading (which there was tons of) started with Germany’s depression and Hitler’s rise to power. It got me thinking about a few things.
A lot of people don’t know that when Hitler invaded Austria, he didn’t need to fire a single shot. The people of Austria voted 98% in favor of joining Hitler’s Germany. Why? Because he was a fiery and entrancing speaker. He was very convincing, and he knew how to use propaganda. It’s scary to think about what propaganda can do. How many times do we find ourselves jumping on the political bandwagon of a group or idea just because they seem exciting or like they have all the answers? The pen is mightier than the sword, as they say, and Hitler was a master of that concept. It was eerie to listen to some of the recordings of his speeches, echoing throughout the halls of time, and answered by the roaring approbation of thousands of listening spectators who were happy when he came into power. It should also be noted that while it was trying to gain control, the Nazi party never hid any of its attitudes towards certain races. Hitler made it very clear that a certain group of people were responsible for Germany’s troubles, and those who listened united under his banner, waking from depression by the stirring and tantric words of their new leader. History can always repeat itself.
Another thing I noticed as I walked through the exhibits was that I was angry. I felt myself become angry at the people who carried out the hate crimes against the Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses, invalids, etc. How could a human being possibly get to the point where he not only believes that another group of people are – not only economically, but actually and literally genetically – inferior to himself and his own race? How does one conceive the notion that Jews were nothing more than animals who had no feelings, and not only carry out acts of violence and hatred, but enjoy doing so and relish the opportunity. There’s no way for me to understand that, but I have a few ideas. Like I said before, it is easy to be caught up in mob-mentality, so to speak, when things are going wrong. It is easy to listen to someone who seems to have all the answers and to jump on board with what they say. It’s likely that many of the SS and Gestapo officers who were involved in the crimes actually believed they were acting towards a good cause, as sick as it sounds. Hitler believed in the Bible and in God (or so he said) and he used religious arguments to defend his positions, and to affirm the superiority of the German people and Aryan race – that God actually wanted Germany to expand her borders. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: a loving God will never desire that one country exert force, or dominance at the expense of another. God doesn’t play favorites. He isn’t on anyone’s “side.” Germany’s “manifest destiny” was such an assumption. So, it’s not so hard to believe that many of the common German people actually believed that their leader was acting in the name of God. In which case, it is also easier to understand why they acted the way they did – which is scary.
The best thing we can do, I suppose, is listen to our heads and follow our hearts. Then, we must have the discernment to know when to fight, run, or stay silent, and have the courage to act on what we feel. If something is wrong, we need to say so. We can’t be sheep led astray and off of the cliffside.
As I thought more about these things, trying to understand how people could possibly be this disgusting to their own human brothers, I realized that the anger I was feeling was no different. Fighting hatred with more hatred is like adding fuel to a fire. The only way to break the cycle of hatred is to just accept everything that has happened and forgive, let go, and walk away. Easier said than done.
Anyway, Berlin had much more to offer than remnants of its gloomy past. In fact, it’s astonishing to see that a city that has gone through so much turmoil throughout two World Wars and a Cold War is still so beautiful and has an upbeat optimism among its inhabitants to rival that of any capital city in the world.
My favorite place in Berlin was by far the Berlin Cathedral and the park right next to it, Lustgarten. At night, we went with our English friends to the park and just laid in the grass. Nearby, on the edge of the deserted plaza, an older couple were playing music for money. The woman was sitting down playing her keyboard as her husband joined in on his beautiful violin. The decadent, pure notes of the violin rained down on our ears as we looked up at the massive cathedral on our backs in the setting sun. That was a night to remember.
The next day, we honestly spent the majority of the day lounging around Lustgarten again. There were many more people during the daytime, and it being a Saturday added to that. One thing that stood out was the massive amounts of lovers that came to the park to have a picnic on the grass and spend time together. It was really the most romantic place I’ve seen so far on this trip. Which, got my mind and heart wandering again…
The Beginning of Many Thoughts On Love
I’ve only been in love once. It was the most euphoric and heartbreaking experience I’ve ever had. I’ve never flown higher or fallen lower. I was warned beforehand of the pain it would bring, but I could never know until I experienced it for myself. Towards the end, it literally became a battlefield. One thing I will never understand is how, sometimes, two people who love each other can’t be together. In the end, it was terrible. Still, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I learned too much.
I do know why it didn’t work, and although both parties were responsible in certain ways, one deciding factor was my dependency on someone else for happiness. In the beginning of our relationship, she would tell me things like “You make me happy, but I don’t need you to be happy. I can be happy without you. You need to understand this.” But I just couldn’t understand. In fact, it hurt. How in the world could she say that? I literally would have done anything for her. I would have, in every single instance, put my happiness before hers. I thought that’s what love was about. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Eventually, my complete investment in someone else for happiness took a toll. In short words, it’s impossible for you to accept love from someone when you don’t love yourself. I ended up hurting both of us in ways I never would have thought possible. I did things I never would have imagined I’d do.
What I’ve learned is, you can’t depend on anyone for happiness but yourself. Other people can and should add to your happiness, but you should be complete on your own. You don’t need someone to complete you, but to compliment you. The danger about placing your dependency for happiness on another person is that they are human. No matter how much they love and care for you, they will eventually let you down. That’s just how it is, and it’s not a bad thing. Humans are imperfect. If you search, instead, for happiness from within, you have only yourself to blame if you aren’t happy. You can depend on yourself, and become self-sufficient. There are no unrealistic expectations, because you know yourself.
Since then, I’ve been able to put a lot of my time and effort into making this adjustment. I realized that I’ve been looking outwardly for affirmation and love instead of inside myself. I haven’t loved myself for a majority of my life, so I was constantly seeking for others to do it for me. It doesn’t work. Eventually, you will hate yourself even more because someone else can love you and you can’t. I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is.
Now, I actually rather like myself. In fact, I love myself. I realize I’m imperfect, but I’m trying to work on things one day at a time. I don’t need anyone else to do that for me. I’m a weird, loud, goofy, sarcastic teddy bear. I try to act tough on the outside, but inside I’m really just a romantic – a nerd who enjoys literature and emotional movies and reading good books. That’s me! When, before, I used to hate spending time alone or looking myself in the mirror, now I actually sometimes prefer being on my own. In fact, I planned to do this trip by myself, and I will have the opportunity to do a portion of it alone.
I say all of this because, in spite of my recent self-realization, being in Lustgarten, in the shadow of the Berlin Cathedral, I realized that I am not meant to be alone. No one is. Yes, I am to be complete, whole, and happy by myself. But the point is to find someone who can amplify that, who can compliment it. Someone else who is complete and whole on their own. I think a proper relationship is that of two people who are independently happy, but together. They share that happiness and enjoy their time together while still maintaining (on a healthy level) their independence, for lack of a better word. That’s what we lacked in my previous relationship. It doesn’t mean that you have a right to be egotistical and dominating, or that you shouldn’t ever open up your heart completely, but that you have a certain self-respect for yourself and don’t let your identity be swallowed up completely in the other person. And, now that I think back on it, I wish I had known these things before. But, then again, I wouldn’t have learned them if things hadn’t happened as they did, so I’m grateful.
All in all, it will take a lot for me to dive head-first into the unknown waters of love again. I think about love every single day (this, the romantic love, as well as human brotherly love). Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my experience with romance, mainly because we had originally planned parts of this trip together. Sometimes, it still hurts. Sometimes, I feel happy. But it’s hard for me to imagine that I can go through all of that with someone new and freefall from the peaks of my heart into the clouds below in full faith with someone else. Right now, I know I’m not ready. My heart is still repairing, learning, growing. And for a while, I was convinced that I never would love again. But sitting there in Berlin I realized that in time, as I continue to follow my heart and live my life in the best way that I can, someone will cross my path who is the best person for me. All I can do is prepare for that day and be sure to recognize it when it happens. Personally, I’m having way too much fun to hope that the day comes soon, but we don’t always get what we want that way!
Just as a side-note, I have a lot more to say about this topic and considering we haven’t even arrived to the Romantic Countries yet, it’s safe to say there is a lot more where that came from. This is a good outlet for me, more than anything. If it can help someone else, then great.
Amsterdam
Lydia and her brother Brad decided to accompany us to Amsterdam. It was another terrible night of sleep on the train. The seats were extremely uncomfortable, and there were so many people that it was hard to get any rest. A group of gypsies came on board, and I thought it was interesting that the youngest, a girl around our age, made sure that her elders were seated and taken care of (they hadn’t made reservations, so it was a hassle for them to find seating) before taking care of herself. She was surely tired, but she did so out of respect. Finally, she laid down on a tiny seat in the aisle and took her shoes off, revealing her dirty, tired feet.
When we got to Amsterdam, we walked to our hotel and realized that it was right in the middle of the Red Light District. The hotel clean but tiny. It had a small twin size bed and just enough space on the floor for three people to sleep (extremely crammed). After walking around town for a bit, we were so tired that we took a nap. Although it was tight, we all slept splendidly since we hadn’t had any sleep the night before. We went back out on the town and walked around the District.
To be honest, Amsterdam has been easily my least favorite place to stay. It is absolutely filthy, in several senses of the word. There is garbage everywhere, all along the streets. It was a shock leaving Scandinavia where the citizens care for the environment and coming to Holland where there were cigarette butts and beer cans littered everywhere. Even the city’s famous canals were a nasty brown-ish color and featured bits of floating garbage. I realized, of course, that Amsterdam was world famous for its legalization of marijuana, but literally right across the street from our hotel there was a drug shop where you could buy cocaine and other hard drugs. In comparison with Christiania, I never felt completely at ease here. There was much more of a party vibe here whereas back in Copenhagen the scene was more social and somewhat intellectually stimulating.
What’s more, the sexual nature of the city is inescapable and quite shocking. Look, I know Europe is pretty liberal when it comes to these things, and I’m OK with that, but this was something I’ve never seen before. Beautiful women lined the streets inside of screen doors, waiting for a passer-by to accept their goods for cash. It was sad because they seemed like good people who engage in such spiritually numbing activities to maintain themselves. I was shocked to see couples walking by holding hands, and the man would stop to take a look at some of the girls or some of the posters that were hanging on the walls. All while holding his girlfriend’s hand! It seemed totally acceptable. Pornography was scattered everywhere, and sex was advertised as a pastime, not as an art-form or an expression of love and passion. I felt dirty the whole time I was in Amsterdam. I would talk more about what I think about pornography, but it will have to wait for another time.
Regardless, our company was fantastic and although our accommodations were tiny, we found ways to entertain ourselves while there. We laughed, talked, and enjoyed each others’ presences. This morning we woke up and packed our things. We said goodbye to Brad, who will be staying in Amsterdam, and boarded a train to Munich with Lydia. I’m glad we only spent one night in The Netherlands, and I don’t see myself ever going back. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone unless you’re looking for sex or hard drugs.
Onward
As I’m writing this we are on the train, bound again for beautiful Germany and it’s lower region of Bavaria. I’m quite excited to see Munich, and hopefully some mountains. From there, it’s back west, to Paris. If you’re still reading this far, know that I love you and that you have so much to live for. The world is an amazing place. I love my family, and all of my friends back in Utah. I love them all, but I’m not homesick. The more I wander, the more I realize I don’t really have a home. And I think I like that.
