There’s something I want everyone who reads this to know: this is for me.
I’m not writing this for anyone but myself.
I’m writing this because I want to record my thoughts, feelings and experiences. I want to be able to have something to look back on afterwards. If anyone else reads this and enjoys it and takes something from it, then I’m happy, too. But this is for me.
So, yeah, I guess that’s it. I’ve been planning this trip for a while. If we’re talking about how long I’ve been dreaming of it, it’s even longer. Originally, I wanted as few people as possible to know about it. You know, kind of like the crap Bilbo Baggins pulls in The Fellowship of the Ring (“Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday!”) – just up and disappear. But, because of the arrangements I had to make and my own excitement, that just wasn’t possible. I can’t keep my damn mouth shut.
Naturally, then, over the past several months in anticipation of my trip, I have been involved in countless conversations featuring the same questions:
“Are you excited?”
“No.”
“Where are you going?”
“All over.”
“When are you coming back?”
“You know as well as I do.”
Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t annoy me that people ask about it ll the time, that’s normal. But there is something about all those questions that makes me uneasy. Something that no one had asked me.
“Why am I going?”
Literally just today, I saw a quote that said “If we were meant to stay in the same place, we would have been born with roots in the ground.” I can’t remember who said it or where I saw it. I live in Utah (for now) and it’s really easy for me, at least, to compare where I live to The Shire (no more LOTR references, I promise). It’s almost amazing when someone from here leaves for good or does something spectacular. People usually just … end up here. Well, now I’m leaving. I’m going to do something spectacular. Something that I want. Something I really, really want.
If someone were to ask me, “What is your biggest short-term goal?” I wouldn’t answer “a degree,” or “a relationship,” or “a promotion.” Right now, I can only answer truthfully with one word: Europe.
Europe Or Bust.
I’m almost 23 years old. I have a normal job. I went to college for two years, but I’m not currently in school. I have no idea what I want to study anymore. I have no idea what I want to do with my life (although I am currently interested in something service-related and revolving around cultural anthropology). Many people would consider this trip and investment as irresponsible, and some have. So, I’ve found it necessary to ask myself: Why?
This isn’t a “vacation” (although I definitely need one of those). It’s not a frat trip or a party. I will not be a tourist. I want to immerse myself in culture. I want to be Italian, German, English, etc. And, yes, I even want to be French (don’t tell my mother).
I was born in Spain. My mom is also from Spain and my dad is from Finland. We moved to the United States when I was young. You know, “Land of Opportunity, all your dreams will come true,” all that stuff. We have never been back to Spain, and only went to Finland on holiday once while I was in high school. As immigrants, my amazing parents have really done extremely well for themselves and their children here. Their sacrifices and struggles on our behalf, I will always be thankful for. They are living out their dreams. But as for me, something has always called me back. It may sound silly, but it has. Whether to live or to visit, I’m not sure. And not necessarily back to just Spain or Finland, but Europe in general. And even all of this is just a small part of my overarching desire and dream and urge to travel the world and meet, help and learn from as many people as I can – something that can be defined in one word seen on countless of white girls’ Instagram bios: ***WANDERLUST***
Ever since I was little, I have been fascinated by world cultures and ancient history. In my spare time, I would draw maps for fun. Yes, maps. I would listen to weird music (Persian classical, Italian opera, Celtic – I know, I was weird. I am weird). It’s just something I’ve always had in me that I’ve noticed not a lot of people around me do, which is OK. But I want to talk to people, you know? I want to sit under the Parisian sun at a cafe and talk to an old French woman about her life. I want to help an Italian fisherman reel in a big haul. I want to do these things. Yeah, a picture with the Eiffel Tower or the Coliseum would be cool, but that’s not the point. To put it in the most hippy-sounding way possible, I want to throw my soul into a melting-pot of all of the people out there in and swim around. It makes sense to me.
So, I guess one reasons I’m going on this trip is to pursue that desire. Which to me is totally cool. I think everyone has something deep down that calls to them like that. Maybe for someone it’s to make marionettes, or to learn to walk a tightrope. I don’t freaking know. I don’t care. I’m weird too. Everyone should find whatever it is that the kid inside of them always wanted to do, which society and adulthood taught them to suppress and put away, and just pull it out of its dusty box in the closet of the heart. Freaking go for it. That’s what I’m doing. I don’t care what anyone says. I guess I’m lucky because my hearts’ desire also seems to be something that interests me intellectually and career-wise (What a novel idea! Do what you love for work!). But we’ll see. This trip will give me an opportunity to reflect on my travels and experiences and, although obviously not an official anthropological expedition, will allow me to see if it’s something that is right for me.
But that’s not the only reason. I truly need this trip. I really do, for my mental and spiritual sanity. My whole life, I was a person who criticized the idea of mental illness. I always assumed people used the concept as a crutch. Life gave me a pretty big slap in the face when I was diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder last year. This stuff is real, OK? I know because once I was diagnosed I looked back on my life and realized that it had put a serious strain throughout my whole life on not only myself and my self-perception, but also in the relationships and friendships that I’ve had. It’s pretty safe to say that in many circumstances, I have not been a fun person to be around. I had anger issues, mental breakdowns, suicidal episodes, attempted suicides, you name it. Although I thought I was only doing these things to myself, those around me who were emotionally invested in me were also affected. Collateral damage.
So, the doctor put me on some medication and sent me along my way. Well, I’ve always been a really prideful person and I’ve always wanted to do things on my own. I didn’t want some stupid pill to fix me. I didn’t want to be dependent. But, at the wishes of those around me who I had hurt, I really had no other choice. I’ve had two really dark, bitter winters in my life, and this was one of them. Although I had support, I felt completely alone. The thing is, looking back, it was better that way. I had to learn to walk on my own, to realize that I am the only “me” I am ever going to have, and no matter how unattractive, insufficient, or unimportant I may think I am, I’m the only “me” there will ever be. I had to look at myself in the mirror every day and come to terms with whoever it was that was looking back at me, and understand that if I wanted a change, it had to come from myself. But, it also had to come for myself. Not to please anyone else, or to gain anyone else’s approval. I only needed my own approval and affirmation. Same goes for you.
I wish I had a guide or a step by step process of what I did to change my situation, because it worked, and I could probably write a book about it and make millions. But, there really wasn’t a process. I began to surround myself with positive people. Good people. Not that I hadn’t had good people in my life before, but I began seeking out people who had overcome my specific problems and talking to them. I became involved in many intellectually challenging and enjoyable conversations about philosophy, God, the world, and life. These conversations alone uplifted me many times. I’m really grateful for those people.
I began to learn how to be alone, but not lonely. I started doing things I loved by myself. Where earlier I would have gone through my contacts list on my phone to see who I could invite to come with me, I started going hiking, camping, and fishing all alone. I even went to a concert and a movie by myself! I started to like my alone time. If I had a problem with myself or my situation (i.e., I thought I was overweight), instead of worrying what other people thought about it, I chose to assess it for myself and do something about it, and then accept the things that were out of my control.
Of course, I also had to remember that service is a great medication for a broken heart. I had some seriously touching moments where I was able to serve others that I’d rather not write about. If you’re feeling the same way, I’m telling you, dude – service. Not just any service. Random freaking out of the blue acts of service to those you love and those you have never met. Nothing is cooler. Also, you will become addicted because sooner or later you’ll learn that the great secret of service is that in the end, you gained more by giving than anyone else did receiving your help. You want to help yourself? GIVE HELP.
I had to learn that the answer to pretty much any life problem is to: Just. Let. Go. Because of my behavior and decisions, I had made some mistakes. I had to learn that there was nothing I could do. I was to blame, and only I could decide what my next steps would be. Along with this, I learned not to regret my mistakes. Never, ever regret your mistakes. It’s OK to be disappointed in a decision you have made, but without mistakes, we would never learn or progress. I think that we are the sum of all of the mistakes we have ever made and our immediate reactions to those mistakes. Whether it was the vase you broke when you were four years old or the lie you told two minutes ago, it doesn’t matter. Accept it, learn from it, LET GO, and move on.
Soon enough, I started noticing something.
“Holy crap, I am actually excited to wake up and go to work tomorrow.”
I was happy! For no damn reason! I didn’t need one! I would turn on a song that I really liked on the way to work and just laugh! If anyone saw me, they surely would have thought I was crazy! But I did it anyway. I wasn’t the only one who noticed either. People who were going through similar trials and challenges started asking me for advice. Me! Of all people! I had never been characterized as a “positive person” yet here I was, sharing with others my experiences and feelings. I believe there are very few better feelings than that. Freaking crazy, man.
So, after all of that, I guess you could say that one of the reasons for my trip is to just continue this wave of positivity that has been flooding my life in the past few months. I have come a long way,and I’m proud of myself. I’m happy to be alive.
Three weeks ago, I quit my medication cold turkey. Not the smartest thing (I do NOT recommend anyone doing this without consulting their doctor and taking a serious self-assessment), considering the doctor strongly discouraged it and every internet testimonial about getting off the drug made it seem like I would die. Now, I don’t regret that I took them because they got me out of the hole I was in, but I felt like I had learned enough by this point that I could take the training wheels off. And, I was lucky, because so far I have been completely stable, with no major side effects of withdrawal! I am still happy every freaking day. I have not had any melt downs. Things that normally would make me sad don’t even bother me. But, I know that I am nowhere close to where I need to get to. I know I haven’t nearly learned all of the lessons that life has to offer. I’m on the path I want, but I’m not “there.” And I may never be – maybe that’s the point, to keep moving forward all our lives. It’s impossible to be a permanently positive person, no matter what. I know I’m not just “fixed” forever (no one is, by the way). So, something inside of me tells me this trip is just … I don’t know … the next step. Not just mentally but also spiritually.
I say spiritually in kind of a weird way. I am going to meet a lot of people. Europe is probably the most diverse continent on Earth, and there are so many different cultures and customs and traditions packed into a tiny, tiny space. I love this, because along with my emotional “reawakening” has come a new open-mindedness that I am still learning to navigate, but which I love. As an example to put this into perspective, my whole life I have admittedly been extremely homophobic. I have hated that which I don’t understand. I have been spiteful and proud. Recently, I have been trying to expand my views and the walls of my mind and to listen with my heart to understand others. I have learned that (in my opinion) there is truth in everything, and that listening to anothers’ point of view does not mean that I have to forsake my own. In fact, many times I have seen that when I listen closely, I find that anothers’ opinion is really my own, just presented differently! This is the understanding and mutual human love and brotherhood that I seek, and I think I will find a lot of that this summer.
So, all in all, that is “why.” And when all is said and done, do I really need a reason anyway? Not really. I’m just going to freaking do it (thank you, Mr. Labeouf). Like I said in the beginning, the purpose of this blog isn’t primarily for anyone’s benefit but my own, but I would definitely love for anyone to join me on this adventure in the way that modern technology allows. Share this great experience with me 🙂 ask me questions, share your own experiences, whatever you want! Hopefully many people can be uplifted along the way. That’s the plan. I love you!
Next stop: Helsinki.